verboselogophobia

ever feel like everyone else is moving forward, yet you feel very stagnant and even sometimes like you’re going backwards… yup…been feeling this for a lil while now…and have no idea how to change the feeling

therapy

I did not know this woman that my siblings call “mother”, and nor, after a certain age, did I care to know her. Yet, at 24, I am faced with the reality of both of my birth parents being dead. I do realize that this entry is coming almost an entire year late. And up until this point, I haven’t even acknowledged that I knew of this woman’s passing. At the time that I did find out, I had intended to write something really hateful on this guestbook, because that’s the only real emotion that I could ever remember feeling for her. Everyone had nothing but kind words to say about this woman, when I, her youngest daughter, don’t even have one good thing to say. Obviously everyone else who signed this book knew (or knew of) an entirely different person. Almost one year later, and I am coming upon my 25th birthday. I find myself reflecting on my life. On what it has been, and what it could have been, and the people that I could and could not depend on. My sister wrote me a letter last year, telling me that some day I would have to come to peace about this woman. Frankly, I don’t know if that will ever come, and my God accepts the fact that I may never forgive this woman for making me the way that I am.

i had intended to post this to this obituary guestbook thing my sister had put up. then thought “post it..what the fuck for?” this therapy session is so not done,but i just cant right now. my insides are just all kinds of jacked up. i miss my daddy in the worst way, if he were here…he’d make it all better.